Fear Factor
posted Thursday June 9th, 2011
The girls and I were watching Fear Factor (Ray’s idea — anything to keep the Disney channel at bay) tonight when I interrupted some disgusting act or another with a request:
“Annabelle, you need to practice piano tonight.”
She fired back immediately: “What about Sophie?”
“Sophie, you need to practice, too,” I said, not really paying attention.
“I don’t want to,” Sophie said.
“Okay,” I responded.
This made Annabelle mad and I can’t say I blame her. I don’t make Sophie practice piano and I don’t make a secret of it. It’s not fair. But, as I tried to explain to Annabelle in a moment of exhaustion, life is not fair. That just made her madder.
We wound up leaving Sophie on the couch and going into my bedroom so I could enumerate, at Annabelle’s request, the things Sophie has to do that she doesn’t: music therapy, physical therapy, swimming lessons (that Sophie doesn’t like), math tutoring all summer…. I explained that really, Sophie comes to piano lessons mainly because she likes to do what Annabelle does. She might play well someday, but honestly, right now that doesn’t matter. Right now she has so many other things to do, it feels unfair to make her practice.
Annabelle gave me a dirty look. I tried again, thought about the REAL reason I don’t make Sophie practice. This time, I went for broke.
“Look,” I said, “I love both of you girls more than anything in the world, you know that. But the truth is that Sophie exhausts me. I know you know what I mean because I know she exhausts you, too. There are so many things I can’t convince her to do without a big fight. Little things, all day long. I can barely get her to get in the car most mornings. It’s just too much to get her to practice piano, and if the only way you will practice is if she practices, I’m totally going to lose it. I know that might not be fair, but it’s true, and I need your help. I need you to practice your piano and not worry about Sophie.”
It was shitty, and maybe at almost 10 Annabelle wasn’t ready to hear it, but she already knows it — so what the heck.
After I said it, she gave me a hug and we agreed not to talk about piano anymore tonight. We went back in the living room and joined Sophie and we all watched some attractive young people eat bowls of rat that had been run through a blender (seriously).
When the rat segment was over, Annabelle popped off the couch and announced cheerfully, “It’s time for me to practice piano!”
As I write this, I can hear her tapping away on the keyboard in her room. Maybe being honest wasn’t the worst thing, after all. All I know is that for my money, being a parent is whole fucking lot scarier than anything they can dream up on that stupid show.
Hugs.
I think kids respect when they hear truth, reasonably framed of course. The ring of truth gets attention in a way that platitudes never will.
I’ve never found that I could convince Kayli of needing to do something because it is good for her (do WE respond to that?). Makes me laugh since I spent half my childhood fighting with my mother about practicing an instrument – probably why I am resolved never to let my child play an instrument unless she wants to practice.
As for the Soph’s – well. She’s kind of at that age.
With Kayli I set up routines for the things she HAS to do and pick my battles around the rest. Bedtime we “race” up the stairs (I find games/humor really help move her) and we have a variety of rituals like we have “the list” for morning routine and night time routine that she checks off. LOTS of times when K says NO (for littler things) I deliberately don’t respond, walk away and count to ten and she comes around with an okay Mommy herself from her internal pressure to please. The word co-operation is an active word used in our family and we practice saying “okay Mommy” so that I am clear that she understands that when I ask her to do something that the proper response is okay Mommy and otherwise there are consequences.
It’s a lot trickier when there are two kids to consider I’m sure!
You’re a great Mom.
I have to say that show sounds gross!
Okay, no comment on Fear Factor (though I agree that parenting is way scarier than anything a TV producer could dream up), but, damn, Amy, that is some punk-rock, kick-ass parenting. I think our kids respect us MORE when we lay it on the line. No made up games, no manipulation, no la-la-land, just hard core reality and the compassion we owe others and ourselves. The truth and love go together. Always.
amen to that!