“Hey,” I said yesterday to the nanny, “I’ll give you a bonus if you find Sophie some friends at school.”

It was actually several hours before it dawned on me just how fucked up that was, how fucked up I am.

In my defense, I’m not alone in worrying about the friend thing. Last week a mom posted this on one of the many Down syndrome Facebook groups I follow:

…This is one subject that brings me to my knees. My daughter…is 11 years old and she is fully included in general education in middle school (6th grade). She truly has been loved by classmates, our community, our neighbors…everyone seems to know her! She cheered on the 6th grade cheer team during the fall, and I thought that would be a great way to make friendships. The disconnect is happening from school & home. She seems to have friends at school, but at home, the phone isn’t ringing (not that girls call anymore…they text), but she is not being included to “hang out” after school, on weekends. This breaks my heart. I have shared my thoughts and feelings with some moms in hopes their children would reach out, but still nothing. I know 6th grade is an awkward year for a lot of kids, and even typical kids get left out and left behind. It just seems to be the rule more than the exception for kids with disabilities.

The mom goes on to talk about starting a club that would help typical kids and kids with disabilities form friendships outside of school. I didn’t tell her that Sophie’s school did just that — a really amazing effort, I don’t want to sound ungrateful — but that Sophie’s “best buddy” seems light years older, and, frankly, not super interested in hanging out beyond club meetings.

It can be tough for any kid at this age, and frankly, as I thought about it, I realized how hard it is for so many of us — at any age. It was never easy for me as a kid. Even our super-gregarious but new-to-town nanny (so outgoing she promised to fill Sophie’s phone with numbers when I asked) rushed in last week to announce, “I made a friend at community college! We hung out twice last week!”

I mentioned the friend thing to Annabelle. “Yeah,” she said. “It took me four years at my new school to really make good friends. Sophie and I are so much alike.”

They are. I love that Annabelle recognizes that, that she sees past so many things the rest of us get hung up on. And maybe when Sophie’s in eighth grade, we’ll all look back at this as a particularly tough time. But I can’t but wonder if the friend ship has sailed.