Wisdom
posted Wednesday April 18th, 2012
My wise friend Noan gave me permission to share this note she sent me earlier this week, in response to last week’s post about Sophie’s IEP and the psychologist’s year-old comment that she has the cognitive skills of a 3-year-old. I met Noan in Mothers Who Write, the class I co-teach, and each week students read their work aloud, so I had the extra gift of hearing Noan speak as I read her email. Imagine a beautiful, calm voice.
Take it away, Noan:
What we resist, persist, right? I suggest the next time that apparition appears you sit down and let her stay awhile. Pour her a drink. (Have one yourself.) And when she suggests that Sophie has the cognitive abilities of a three year old, don’t argue. Just nod your head and say – Mmm, maybe.
I love this Pema Chodron quote: “No one ever tells us to stop running from fear. We are very rarely told to move closer, to just be there, to become familiar with fear. I once asked the Zen master Kobun Chino Roshi how he related with fear,and he said, ‘I agree. I agree.’ But the advice we usually get is to sweeten it up, smooth it over, take a pill, or distract ourselves, but by all means make it go away.”
I don’t mean to suggest that you give up on advocating for Sophie, or cease striving to get the best education for her that is possible. And I certainly don’t mean that I think Sophie has anything less than a bright future ahead of her. I just think that apparition will stop haunting you once you make friends with your own fears. What would it mean to you if Sophie were to remain delayed in significant ways? What would making peace with that possibility feel like?
If my words don’t feel helpful, please delete them pronto. It’s just that I have been pondering your post ever since I read it because I have an entire closet filled with my own haunting apparitions and I have learned so much from listening to some of them.
Noan
What loving and profound advice.
Wonderful.Love Pema Chodron and now Noan too!
What a wonderful friend. I shall roll this one around in my own head for awhile…
Yep. We all need a friend like this. The kind, quiet voice of reason that gives our anxious, tired, fear filled brain an alternative anchor to the one we are holding on to. It sometimes stops us in our tracks, but oh the sweet release when we confront what fears us and it loses it’s power to steal our joy.
That’s the thing. A professional would say, “Ask yourself what’s the worst that could happen if ____? And then what would you do?” Fear is so universal and underappreciated.
I just realized last week (and I’m sorry if this is so abstract it’s hard to follow) that when a particular person, someone I truly admire and respect, seems mean or judgmental, like he’s trying to control another person’s behavior, it’s actually that he knows he’s afraid — of having to do what he thinks he’ll have to do in order to deal with whatever he’s afraid that person’s going to do. He’ll say or do ANYTHING to pre-empt those things he’s afraid he’ll “have to” do that he expects to find painful or stressful, even seem mean and judgmental. Oh, how we tangle ourselves up.