re: a favor
posted Tuesday September 15th, 2009
The response to my email requesting that my colleague not use the word “retard” around me:
i believe you used the word yourself today. so the answer is no.
And my response (and the long explanation is that I did repeat the word back to him at the staff meeting yesterday):
it’s true, i was making fun of you at the staff meeting. i apologize. i thought making you’d get the nuance when i used the word myself, but realized later that you probably wouldn’t, which is why i asked directly. this has bothered me for a long time and other staff members have mentioned it. i was trying to be as professional about it as possible when i made the request. i’ve made it and i won’t say anything more, much as i’m tempted. it’s certainly your choice to express yourself as you wish.
P.S. Our boss, who was cc’ed on the email, also responded to say that the word is “common parlance” so he sees nothing wrong with using it.
It’s true, I work at a newspaper. Free speech rules the day and it should. Of course, Sophie complicates things. For me, anyway.
Bloody hell – what about common courtesy to respect a colleague’s sensibilities?
I can still remember so clearly the first time I gathered up my courage and asked someone to stop saying “retard” and they said no.
It floored me, and still does,and when I hear your story it takes me right back there.
The idea that I could tell someone – so clearly – “this thing you are doing HURTS me” and have something else be more important to them than not hurting ME anymore just…blew my mind.
And still does. But it was a very good indication of what sort of person I was dealing with, I think.
As always, just because you can say something doesn’t mean you should.
Wow Amy, just, wow.
Elizabeth has a great point, about it being a “good indication of what sort of person you’re dealing with.”
Good for you for opening your mouth to say something about THAT word. I still haven’t had the guts, but your story tells me that I have to, the next time. I don’t have a choice.
A- Hole! And to your boss too! Discriminatory, defamatory language is not about free speech it’s about interpersonal respect in the workplace! I guess you can tell it ticks me off. People around me occasionally might thoughtlessly use the term (as common parlance) but I would hope if I asked them/educated them about the ignorance behind the word than I’d get more than a sticks and stones message! Perhaps a people first language lexicon on the office bulletin board?
Sorry- I know I’m being kind of strong about this….
PS- imagine if you used the N- word at work? Ooohhh. I’m all burned up about it!!
Elizabeth is right. They’re being jerks. You’re not talking about official newspaper policy, you’re asking for a measure of respect for a deeply personal issue regarding your own child. What kind of person says no to that?
You know all that, of course. It doesn’t make it easier. Good for you for sending the email.
Ridiculous! Hard to believe anyone wouldn’t be appalled at having it pointed out to them how awful this is!
You should tell him that “(insert derogatory term here-not sure if I can write what I am really thinking ) is also ‘common parlance’ and from now on you will be addressed as such!” I just bristle when I hear people use that word–I am sorry that you have to deal with that issue at work!!
I am shocked at your co-worker’s (and your boss’) response. Working at a newspaper is no excuse for using that type of language. And I am thinking starrlife is correct, using a derogatory term for a homosexual person in front of one at work would probably not be tolerated as well as using a horrible term like the N-word. Point that out to your boss, he needs an education.
The issue of the word “retard” was well stated above.
As for me, a health care professional BTW, I am unabashed about telling folks that my child is (mentally) retarded, or sometimes more discretely, was “in special ed.” Yet it’s not unusual for folks to chide me for using the word “retarded”. Now, I’m a bit Asperger-ish, so I am unable to perceive that being(mentally) retarded needs to be masked by careful euphimisms. Similarly, why not just say somebody “died” vs. “passed away.” I digress.
For folks to use the term “retard”, I think, usually comes from ignorance, and I can forgive folks who don’t live with retardation like we do. But there is NO excuse for them to twist the knife once you have asked them for some grace in their language. Words do indeed hurt, and I hurt for you when that happens..
We are bigger people than they, by virtue of our unique experience. I appreciate all of you for contributing, and for the things we share in common.
Here’s a big ‘ol Bob hug for everybody. Umm-ungh.
Umm-ungh. That’s onomatopoeia for a big ol’ hug.
Frankly I am a bit ill. This is a colleague? YIKES!
A stunning response from your boss and your co-worker. They are in the wrong, period. I can think of other terms that used to be in “common parlance” that are now considered so offensive that one could practically be accused of a hate crime just for using them. Your paper is indeed very progressive, but your co-workers are WAY behind the times on this one. (And BTW I can’t believe that they are even taking that stance when undoubtedly you have developed a relationship with both of them… it should be beside the point that they consider the word “common” or their love of the first ammendment, blah, blah, blah… if it is offensive to you, and you have a courteous relationship with them, then they should have enough decency to stop using it in your presence at the very least. Their responses had to be very hurtful to you and I am sorry for that.
Oh my goodness. Their insensitivity is shocking. I can only assume that they’re both being assholes to avoid facing their own guilt at being so offensive. I am so sorry you have to work with them.
Unbelievable. I’m speechless. Not like you were trying to censor this person thru their entire life but around you? This is just basic courtesy….which a basic asshole obviously can’t figure out. Blech!
A few years ago I was at my parents’ house and my step-father was watching a baseball game and the fans were doing the tomahawk chop. There was then some discussion about how Native Americans said they were offended and my step-father thought that was ridiculous. And then my mother said “if someone says that something you say or do hurts their feelings, why would you continue to do it? To purposely hurt them?”
Is it that hard to respect other people’s feelings?