Here’s what I wrote:

Tonight Sophie and I read Chapter 13 together — actually, I began by reading it aloud. I was glad I did because I noticed the word “retarded” is used a couple times. I have real issues with that word, as you might imagine, but as a journalist by training I am also not at all in favor of censorship — particularly of books! (Although to be totally honest, I do ask people to consider not using the word “retarded” when I hear it in public or see it on Facebook — which happens a lot) but i’m curious: How do you and the [fourth grade] team handle it when the word comes up in class, if it does, in the context of discussing the book? I don’t know if Sophie knows the word or if she’d ask about it; probably not. But I’m guessing some kids in 4th grade do.

I hope that question isn’t too much — curious to hear what you think!

And then I held my breath. I didn’t have to wait for long, she wrote back immediately. And I couldn’t have hoped for — or written — such a wonderful response. I only wish this woman had been my fourth grade teacher. (I’m so glad Annabelle had her!) I think this response should be required reading for all of us:

As you know, now that we are entering the realm of big kid books and all of their glory, we will come across a few words that we would never utter and definitely find offensive. There will be many a discussion this year about words that authors feel they need to include, how the characters react, how we feel about them, and how they are treated in our society. Each year we encounter the “r-word” and I am kind of bummed that it is in Winn Dixie right off the bat. Last year we [read] a terrific book called Out of My Mind about a 5th grader with CP who is brilliant, but cannot communicate until she receives a device when she’s about 10. She leaves behind the Special Education classroom and heads off to a traditional 5th grade class. She gives us a personal glimpse of just how painful that word is and the way it makes her feel. We’ll read that one soon, too bad it’s not before Winn Dixie.

I am totally open to your suggestions…but here is how I have traditionally handled it. I talk about how words can change meaning throughout time based on how it’s used. I tell them about my parents’ friend Gay {last name] and my former [co-worker] Linda Gay [last name] and how the word gay has gone from being a word that meant happy and was acceptable in names, literature, and daily use. In more recent years, some people use the word as a derogatory name and to pick on others. Then I talk about the r-word…in the book. I talk about flame retardant pajamas and how retardant means to slow down to give them a round-about definition. Typically I avoid saying that it was a word used to describe people with a cognitive disability. I share that some people, kids and grownups, without seeming to find offense with it, call friends and others the r-word or say they are so r-ted. I talk about how this truly is a hateful word and is just as bad a word as they can imagine and that we need to tell people when we hear them say it that it’s not OK to say. I also tell them that if they hear anyone use it at school, it is a super bad word and they need to tell a teacher. (Side Note: Usually I don’t give a consequence the first time if they were not part of this conversation but use it as an opportunity to have this talk.)

That’s pretty much how I’ve discussed it in the past. Not too much opportunity for them to share because I don’t want them to tell me where they’ve heard it, that’s too sad.

Pretty awesome, huh? And now I’m dying to read the book she mentioned, Out of My Mind.

“That’s so retarded!”

Or some variation.

I paused for a minute, thought about it, considered the photos of Sophie all over my office (where we were sitting), wanted desperately to keep going but instead interrupted gently (I hope) to say, “Hey, I have a kid with Down syndrome. Please don’t say use the word `retarded’ around me.”

He was horrified and apologetic, made me promise not to tell one of his professors — a guy, he explained, who also has a kid with Down syndrome and had recently asked the same of him. (I wasn’t surprised; I know the professor. Small town.)

“So,” I told a couple of colleagues a few minutes later as I sat down to a production meeting in another part of the building, “I just had to ask our new hire not to use the word retarded around me.”

The guy sitting next to me put his head in his hands. Just then, the production manager for the paper took his seat. Within three minutes he’d used the word, too.

This time I didn’t say anything. No one else at the table did, either.

It’s too fucking exhausting. And here’s the thing. Part of what irks me here is that instead of simply asking people to stop using “retard” as a slur, instead as a society we are trying to outlaw it. That is dangerous.

Plus I actually LIKE the term mentally retarded — well, as far as such terms go. It’s a medical definition, I like the word “retard” as in, “to slow down” — it just sounds right. Fire retardant. Satisfying, right? As far as I’m concerned, replacing “mentally retarded” with terms like “cognitively disabled” and “intellectually challenged” is just asking for a new slur.

And it won’t stop my colleagues from saying “retard.” It won’t stop it from smarting. What do the lawmakers think, that people like me will say, “Oh, pshaw, go right ahead and call each other retards! My kid’s cognitively disabled!”

That’s not what Sophie will get called behind her back in junior high, no matter what our lawmakers say.

How about we embarrass people who use the word instead? That might not work on junior high kids, but I’ve found it effective with just about everyone else. And I think it could work, at least a little.

Consider:

Not so long ago (not in my memory, not much anyway — thankfully) people used the word “Jew” disaparagingly — constantly. “He Jew’ed me down!” “Don’t be so Jewish, pick up the tab.” And so forth.

No one actually ever banned the word Jew (not that I know of, anyway). They educated people. Today people may still not like Jews, may still think they are cheap, but at least they know it’s not socially acceptable to say so in most situations.

I get the semantics. This is way different. And yet it’s not — on the few occasions someone’s used the word “Jew” around me, I’ve tried to work up the courage (and usually have) to say something. I know others have, top — for decades — and today I don’t have internship candidates from one of the (supposedly) best journalism schools in the country telling me something’s “so Jewish.” But those same kids have no problem using the word “retarded.”

I doubt anyone made a video (or would today) of Jewish people explaining that they aren’t cheap. But I’m to see the awareness campaigns going on around the country vis a vis the word retarded, particularly this past week.

To be honest, though, I don’t think any of it’s working. I hear the word more and more (and more and more and more). But I was touched by the video I’m posting here, and if you’ve read this far, I bet you will be, too. It was made by folks at Marana High School outside of Tucson:

(DARN IT, THIS LINK DOESN’T SEEM TO WORK…. I POSTED THE LINK THAT DOES WORK ON FACEBOOK, YOU CAN CATCH IT THERE — FRIEND ME IF WE’RE NOT ALREADY FRIENDS. XO AMY)

https://fbcdn-video-a.akamaihd.net/cfs-ak-snc6/444044/851/3032944300876_60352.mp4?oh=992b9cdffe8c98c119603c02bec550c1&oe=4F5D2300&__gda__=1331503872_a5a16da3b4fc51f20193255811349569