Some of my friends and family who’ve died rather young and/or who have or had chronic illness wound up experiencing as great a degree of adventure and pleasure in their lives as anybody else (maybe more, for the ones who knew in advance).

We look from an outsider’s perspective at people we miss and grieve for, and we sometimes think a longer and/or easier life is what they deserved. But (unless there’s someone we want to stick around and take care of) most of us could, I hope, look at our own life at any moment and say, “This could be the last moment, and that would be okay.”

At least I try to live like that . . . and when I think of the people I love who enjoyed having me around, I wouldn’t want to have deprived them of that, either. (Though at a certain point it all gets pretty hypothetical, Amy — it sort of makes no sense to wonder whether someone would prefer never to have been born.)

And of course every parent second-guesses herself about everything, too, and y’all need to forgive yourselves.

I think if I had some illness, I wouldn’t blame my parents. At least I hope I wouldn’t. I try to appreciate all my parents do for me and I try to take responsibility for myself. I hope my kids will do the same.

Short of having a child commit suicide — and that’s the toughest thing I know, I don’t know any parent who has gotten over that, (I’ve only known a few who have even had to try to get over it) and I don’t know how anyone ever could get over that — anyway, short of a child committing suicide, most of the other problems our kids face are random quirks of fate and chance and happenstance, uncontrollable. (I know, suicide is probably uncontrollable too, but somehow in the case of suicide I think irrational parental guilt goes off the charts.)

I know this doesn’t really address the issue of having to choose whether to bring a child into the world with a genetic abnormality — but all our kids face random threats, and all we can do is let go and hold on.

They’re not going to be safe. The best we can give them is that Buddhist saying (from new agey Americanized Buddhism): pain is inevitable, but suffering isn’t. Random pain will happen, we can’t control it, all we can control is our own reactions to it.

I’ve struggled with some of the questions in this post myself (our higher age increases the risk of having a special baby).

One of the comments left on my post was in the line of: what if you have a normal baby and something happens afterward? Like CP in afterbirth care?

There is no way to know how your children will turn out in the end. You can only hope for the best and keep on doing what you can.

Best of luck, keeping you in my prayers.

Didn’t mean to get off topic there but just also wanted to add that I don’t think you realize that until you are a parent just how terrifying it is and by then it’s too late to give the kid back : ) . I think if more people knew how scary it is to love your kids, they might not become parents at all. I didn’t know I could love anybody the way I love my children The risk of losing them is horrifying if I think about it but the simple truth is that nobody knows what is going to happen to them or their children this afternoon, tonight, tomorrow…we just have to live the best lives we can and be the best people we can be.

Didn’t mean to get all heavy. That’s why I choose to focus my anger on the PTA and misplaced backpacks.

You know what?

Every minute with your kids is a minute you should cherish. Nobody knows how long they have here on earth – abled, disabled, whatever. What if you walk across the street and get hit by a car? You can’t prepare for that sort of thing, you just don’t know.

Just love her and don’t worry about the what ifs. You don’t have time for that.

Now, I want to hear the bitching about the PTA, get on it.